Chronicles of a Desperate Dark Lord
by OstentatiousOwl
Summary: What happens when you mix utter idiocy and love-ridden desperation? You get a desperate dark lord wishing for attention, and he looks to the only source he can think of. Harry Potter. AU, OOC, Probably going to be a three-shot might extend it a bit.
"Dear Diary, Today I slaughtered hundreds of muggles but it wasn't as fun anymore. I wonder why? Yesterday I did it and I was fine but now it started to lack the finesse and skill required for a wizard of my calibre. Oh! I know! What if I became good? Dumbledore is good and he has 7 girlfriends, while all I have is Bella."

Tom continued writing the passage "also I've been doubting the masculinity of my evil followers, I mean have you seen what Pettigrew has done in his spare time *ughh*. Wait I know, I'll send a letter to Harry Potter; he gets all the girls and he seems nice enough, didn't hold the "Killed his parents" thing against me too much"

Tommy Tum Tums (AN: yes I stole that from Rorsch), errrr Voldemort proceeded to set down his diary nay, journal and his seldom used brain cells started stirring. Yeah, that would work he just had to try this new "good" fad. He pulled out a sheet of parchment and contemplated the wording for his letter to Harry Potter, no, the master pimp a mere dark lord was not worthy to call him by his first name. He grabbed the manliest writing utensils he could find the fabled pink glitter quill and his barbie girl glitter ink as well.

"Dear Master Pimp,

I have noticed your proficiency in the art of being good to get all the girls, I am in awe of your pimpiness and your magnificent pimp cane, your silky black locks and those soft astonishing killing curse eyes are so beautiful and I wish to just stroke your skin for hours on end your hard large forehead that bears my mark is smooth and gorgeous not to mention that beautiful nose perfectly proportioned and molded by the miracle that is genetics. Now back to the important matter at hand

(My introduction to the International Mastery of Amazing, Fabulously Astounding Great Girlfriends of Truro ;) or IMAFAGGOT;) . well now that the tangent is over I must beg of you to teach me your secrets, senpai, how do you get into this wonderful organization, Lucius told me that the introduction hurts a little bit but then it starts to feel good since they polish your wand which is has a direct correlation with your core.

Sincerely,

Tommy Riddle.

P.S I'm thinking of changing my name to Tommy Cat, What do you think ;)."

Tommy Cat signed the letter with a flourish calling for his owl Tenydik . "Tenydik deliver this to the master pimp" Without a second thought The bird knew its goal and the honor that had been bestowed upon it, with its head held high; The Obese Owl flew as fast as it could manage. Then it fell due to an inconvenient wall. Tenydik peed on the offender and continued on its honorable journey.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

10 minutes later after flying through the horrors known as THE KFC Hedwig reached his destination hogwarts, he dived in a spectacular fashion into the great hall or at least tried to, he wasn't very athletic to say the least, bellyflopping into Harry Potters face dropping the letter into Harry's lap.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

After the Belly Flopping Owl hobbled away after bowing to him, Harry picked up the letter very cautiously after all you don't just trust any random bellyflopping owl, and even less so after he saw that the letter was addressed

from Tom Riddle (AKA voldemort, the 60-ish year old man who had a strange obsession with him), after reading the… strange letter, Harry started thinking about his next move, then decided against it and called Hermione to do it for hem. I mean he didn't have to think before, why should he now

"Curious very curious" She mused "but when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. So we must assume that this is Voldemort due to the fact that Fred and George don't have another owl and this is not a school owl , moreso that the quill used is a barbie girl quill which isnt common in itself but coupled with the limited edition pink glitter ink, where one of the 5 remaining holders is Voldemort."

"Blimey Hermoine, how do you come up with these sorts of things" Harry said

"Elementary my dear Watson, er… Harry." Hermione said not unkindly.

Slowly Harry formulated a cunning plan by that I mean Hermione made one for him, I mean why actually think when you can copy off her but we are getting off track.

"Dear Moldyshorts," Articulated Harry "I have read your letter and I shall give you several tips to get close to my level. First of all you must establish dominance, do this the way wolves do and urinate on your chosen conquest. It is extremely vital to lick their faces and bite their shoes (preferably drenched in sewage.) Ergo seeming like a powerful mate. The second tip that I shall give you is one that you must heed at all times. Do not dress blandly, robes and muggle clothes are so 10 seconds ago, a slightly transparent pink bodysuit is a sure way to catch the attention of the weaker gender, ahh that segways us into our next important tip; always tell your chosen spouse that she is of the weaker gender trust me, they love it. Now there are many more tips, but you are unworthy of the rest.

Sincerely,  
Harry "Pimp lord" Potter"

Smirking, he signed the letter gave it to his trusty steed Hedwig, as she flew majestically across the great hall and forced it onto Tenydik. As soon as Tenydik saw hedwig he took the letter and flew off to his master slowly, why would a mere darklord deserve his attention anyways.

AN: A big thanks to Champion of Hestia who helped with the ideas and some of the wording. My Cousin that is looking over my shoulder and seeing if I wrote anything bad about her. (She is also awesome-sauce) Also, if there are any grammar mistakes don't hesitate to tell me. Flames will be collected in a master thread and be will used to roast marshmallows


End file.
